I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
