I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
