I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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