then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
