I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she told me i tasted like america
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
