My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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