There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
