I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
