I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
