I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
