Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
