The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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