you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
