I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
