this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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