is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
