okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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