Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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