i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
