im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
