the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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