My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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