Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
