I just pynch a tree in the face
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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