you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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