i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
