you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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