apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
