she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
