I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
