After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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