Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
