I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
