so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
