I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
