I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
