Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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