College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
