i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
