i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
