The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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