let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
