Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
