So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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