So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
