So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
