so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
