I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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