I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
