Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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