a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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