I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
